She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
