i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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