3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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