I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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