It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
