i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
