don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
