you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
