It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm too high and old for this...
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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