Jerry, you need to find god
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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