This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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