im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
The power of my boobs compel you
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
