But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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