The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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