Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
