So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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