I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
