I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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