On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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