They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
