Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
