i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
