Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
