I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
