I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
