Pants 0. Shit 1.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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