So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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