I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
