bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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