My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
