ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I want a musical about memes.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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