i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
