This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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