Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
