So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
