I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize