My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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