dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
We smell like vodka and hangover
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