I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Is it penis luge time yet?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize