He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
