oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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