I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
