call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
