Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
