we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Houston, we have a blender
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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