Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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