the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
