Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
