Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
