So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
