paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
