I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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