M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
