brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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