i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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