If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
