Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
