Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Enjoy the penises
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
