I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
