hotel room ftw
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
