i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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