Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize