Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
