I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
This baby is an asshole
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
