I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize