Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize