I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
