She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
