My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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