so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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