I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize